Condemned From The Start
by Ashimattack
Summary: A look upon all the emotions July never felt


**Okay I wrote half of this before I went to a party and half after I got home at like two in the morning**

**so it may not be my best work, Just warning you now.**

**enjoy anyways :)**

**also if anyone is confuzzled feel free to ask me and I can explain everything**

**well you'd hope I could, considering I'm the one who wrote it**

**inspired by me finishing darker than black and deciding I love July**

**;-;**

I sat with my arms covering my eyes in the darkest corner of the room, wearing nothing but shame and trying not to feel my body shiver as the cold wind blew in from the open window.

_A doll?_

_A little boy doll?_

_How rare_

_How __**desired**__._

Moaning slightly I moved my hands from my eyes and covered my ears instead.

_Must study_

_How can we do this?_

_Does it matter?_

_He can't feel anything._

I rocked slightly and tried to block out their voices.

Were they really talking?

Or was it just my mind?

Replaying in my head, over and over.

Over and over

Until I snapped

The memories...

I just didn't know anymore.

_Must study_

_Yes we must._

I cried out.

I could still feel them.

The needles

The hands

Everywhere

All over me

I screamed out and whacked my arms against the wall beside me

'What are you doing?'

_We must study..._

I kept hitting.

'What are you doing?'

_You can't do that, you'll damage the specimen_

Kept lashing out at the wall

As if it were to blame

The wall was to blame

For everything

Must hurt the wall

Then someone grabbed my arms.

I tried to shake him off, I fought with all my might but he managed to overpower me.

'What are you doing?' he asked in a quiet voice 'why are you doing this?'

'Why am I here?' I sobbed 'why do you need me?'

He stared at me solemnly as I flailed in his grasp.

'Why are you crying? You don't need to cry. You're a doll. You can't feel. You have no need to cry'

I stopped flailing

'I... don't need to cry?'

'No. You don't. Stop crying.'

_What is he doing?_

_Dolls can't feel anything._

I stared at him and tried to stop the flow from my eyes

I stared at him and didn't feel the pain that was rushing over my arms like the blood that covered them

I stared and didn't feel anything

;-;

I sat in the darkest corner of the room, head bowed with one hand on the wall and the other in my lap.

I was seeing.

Weeks earlier I had discovered how to use my observation ghost; I could see everything that was going on outside these four walls.

It felt like opening my eyes for the first time.

I noticed that two people had snuck into the side of the large building, destroyed a wall and killed all the guards.

I didn't feel curiosity towards the woman with her dark skin and light hair, or to the man with his cocky smirk and cigarette. And I didn't feel a slight glimmer of hope in my chest.

They were going through all the rooms

Every single one

Destroying test tubes

Breaking beakers

Smashing computers filled with research

Millions of research on millions of things

Millions of study

I sat patiently and waited

Something would happen

They would be stopped

Everyone was always stopped

No one ever made it in

Or out

No one got as far as they had and lived

But then I heard it

Didn't see anything but the sound was loud and clear

_Gun shot_

_Hitting ice_

_The ricocheting_

_The smell of blood_

Then the door slammed open

And there stood the woman

She wore a bright pink coat

'What is this? A kid?' she swore 'why do they have a kid here? November!'

'What is it April?'

'There's a kid. Waddya reckon?'

The man looked over at me for a moment

'It's a doll April.'

'A doll?'

'Yep. A doll.'

'But... he's just a...'

'April. It's a doll'

'... Do we need a doll?'

The man looked over at me

'We could use one' he turned to face me 'what do you say... July?'

I simply stared at him.

And I didn't feel the warmth that radiated from her hand as she placed it in mine, nor did I feel as though I had finally been found.

;-;

April sat down on the small seat of the smoky back room of the bar.

It smelled of beer and vomit but I did not care.

I knew that I wouldn't have been scared even if April weren't sitting opposite me but I still did not care.

She sat there drinking a beer, her obeisance as I'd learned

There were three more people in the room, a shady looking blackjack dealer and the other two were players against April.

I might have felt some fear for her if I didn't know she could handle herself and if it were possible.

I sat with my hand on the wall,

Seeing

Although the seeing didn't feel the same any more

I had seen the outside world now

I could walk in the sun and run across the grass

But I didn't

And I knew I probably never would.

But the idea was still there.

I was trying to track November, he'd disappeared and I could not locate him

April and I both knew that Amber had something to do with this

But there wasn't much we could do without knowing his whereabouts

I continued searching until he finally came into my sights

He was walking slowly, then suddenly fell to the ground

Clutching his chest.

It was so sudden,

I may have been surprised.

I did not feel the overwhelming sense of loss

The loss of a comrade and team member

I did not feel that my only solace left was April

And I did not feel that I needed her touch at that moment

I still felt nothing

'November 11 is dead' I stated calmly

;-;

I may have known that wherever she was going, I could not follow

I may have known that when she let go of my hand she would never take it again

I may have known that she would leave me alone

But I would never be prepared

I did not feel my heart leap into my throat when I saw her

All I saw her lying there mangled

Her beautiful form twisted and horrible

Twisted and horrible and _not moving_

not moving not breathing and not _alive_

I reached for her and did not feel the sickening coolness her once warm hands held

I did not feel the tears that rolled down my face

And I did not feel the world crashing down on top of me

All I felt was her cold dead hand and the weight of the future ahead of me.

I remained there like that until I saw her

The girl

Another girl

Not much older than me,

crying her eyes out

I stared at her and did not feel my curiousness

She just sat there sobbing,

Out in the open

Not holding anything back

Just sobbing

It was so... _human_

For some reason still unknown to me I followed her

After following her for a small amount of time she ran into some trouble

Still a novice at using the gun I decided to help her out with my abilities

Then BK 201 arrived

I stared blankly at his interested look towards me

'Come with us' he said simply

And I did.

Because I didn't feel any reason not to.

;-;

Awakening from the sick dream I had been stuck in I found myself alone in a field.

The flowers around me may have been beautiful

White and pure

I ran from them

Not out of the fear I did not feel

I just had to find her

I had to somehow let her know

The urgency I could not feel felt the same as her fingers pinching my cheek

Or her smile lighting up the world I did not see

'_Go this way July' _said an observation ghost nearby

'_Wait by the fountain July'_ said another

'_Twins'_ I thought, and decided to listen. They had no reason to lie to me

I waited for a short amount of time until I saw her coming closer from the distance

I did not feel the excitement that rose inside of me, just like I never felt my fear of needles

And did not feel her comfortable embrace when I hugged her, just like I never felt the belonging that came from April's hand in mine

And did not feel the happiness that filled all of me and threatened to burst out of every pore, just like I never felt the grief that came from losing everyone I never felt love for

I did not feel the small touch of sadness that came from her goodbye, just like I'd never felt the joy that came from her meeting

And I still did not feel the tears dripping from my chin, that fell to the ground and turned the dirt into mud

Because I am a doll and dolls don't need to feel, just like dolls don't need to cry


End file.
